I didn't realize when I was child why I loved cuddling so much, why I always wanted my back tickled or why I wanted to have my door cracked at night before bed. I didn't realize that I wanted a connection with whoever was in the house, that security of waking up and seeing my door cracked knowing I could run out and jump in bed with my dad or brother at any time.
I didn't realize why I needed that, why I still need that...until now.
I realized that my getting the back tickled security was replaced as I got older by me working three jobs at all times. I was too old to request a back tickle or to cuddle up with my siblings, that didn't fly anymore. Working became my security, survival mode became my security.
Isn't that crazy? You have these things you love and cherish when you are young then you adapt, mold and grow when you age and then working becomes your security YET it's a catch 22 some days when you hate your job and then we are left to figure out how to fix that. Geesh, thanks life.
Anyways...
As I am still new to pursuing my dream and being my own boss, my security has had to come from something different since I put that working/survival mode aside completely. Can I be honest? I still don't feel secure, I randomly cry when I don't have a reason and I get a pit in my stomach out of no where and up until now, I had no idea why that was happening. I figured out it is because that my "working/survival mode" security is gone and it's hard to not go back to that. I want to run back to three jobs sometimes and barely pay my bills while working forty hours a week, isn't that insane? I thought since that security was gone, I had nothing.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Then I realized that I do have a security it's just reverted after deciding to pursue my passion - I'm five years old just in a twenty three year olds body with this new journey - my tickle my back security is alive and well again. I am always asking my boyfriend to tickle my back every night, to snuggle me a little tighter and catch myself waking up to move in closer to him like I used to when I was five with my parents. I didn't want the love to stop, I didn't want my security blanket to fall off me, I didn't want to not feel a connection with a human who has such a large impact in my life (a mentor if you will).
I went from tickle my back as a mini human security, to money money on my mind security back to the most important security again - that I know now as affection.
My security will always be snuggling a little tighter - whether that be taking a nap with my favorite mini humans, hugging my grandpa with all my might, staring at my dad like the world's stopped as he laughs at the dinner table or asking my man to tickle my back all night.
I didn't write this to be mushy but just to simply say - snuggle everything in your life a little tighter, be a nice human and do good to the world. Find your voice and do what you love even if you feel lost because I promise you that you will succeed if you are persistent and know what your security is - no matter how simple or extravagant it may be.
I've felt lost for a long time but have found my path finally and am accepting that I need affection on the way down it to help me stay focused, know what you need and don't reject it - embrace it with open arms and a tight snuggle.
Happy Monday, go snuggle someone you love.
Well said Rachel. Those lIttle thIngs really never change, there always there even if you try to subsitude them with something else. It's definitely the greatest feeling to know how secured and loved you can be when that one person comes into your life.
ReplyDeleteFinding some security in snuggling or a back tickle is nice and as humans it's normal. Like how u said u found security in working 3 jobs and stressing about money is the ironic part for me. I find myself at times purposely looking to stress out about my job, my money, my family because I think you're right about finding a demented security in what we are used to.
ReplyDeleteI'm on this SANE diet right now where you reprogram your body's set weight over time. I thought my mind was finally reprogrammed but the stubborn brain wants to sometimes go back.