myMindisFull Monday's: Under Pressure

My Mind is Full Monday's - February 3rd, 2014
Over the last couple of weeks, I've really let the idea seep into my head that I should stop baking, stop blogging, stop trying to inspire people and start working a full time job. I wanted to share this moment because I feel like this is my lowest point thus far on my #yonceallovertheplace journey and I don't want to sugar coat anything to those who read, follow and support me.

This shit is hard, real hard.

I find myself in a constant battle of my comfort zone love for the survival mode and the "turn into Beyonce with whatever I decide to do" passion I have coursing through my blood. The battle is between keeping a positive mentality and putting negative, unworldly pressure on yourself.

Lately, I've put myself under so much pressure that I snapped.

I had enough - I sat and cried, literally acted like a family member had died, curled up in a ball on my bed and pretended I was tired to hide from the world, didn't want to move and didn't want to open my eyes. I'm telling you I could have won an Oscar with the way I was acting - girls don't do it, it's not cute.

Anyway through that entire Oscar nominated performance, I couldn't shut this voice up that was in my head saying, "what the fuck are you doing? This is what it has come to? No money and you think that's the end of the world. Get up, who are you? Why are you doing this? Get to work! This isn't who you are, don't settle. Why are you even thinking about giving up?" I couldn't ignore it no matter how hard I tried to talk my desire and drive out of my body. My mind finally upped itself and screamed some sense into me - GET TO WORK...so I started with organizing my life...starting with my closet. Hey, it's a step out of my dramatic "my world is going to end" moment.

While cleaning, I started to think about how much I beat myself up and why I put so much pressure on myself. One main reason is I don't get paid for this "work" I do and that is a HUGE blow to my ego after the type of income I was making last year at my survival job. So I made a mental pact with myself that whenever I get down about money, I just think about Beyonce saying...

"All these people on the planet working 9-5 just to stay alive

The 9-5 just to stay alive, that 9-5 just to stay alive

The 9-5 just to stay alive, that 9-5 just to stay alive

The 9-5 just to stay alive, that 9-5 just to stay alive

All these people on the planet working 9-5 just to stay live, how come?" 

...in Ghost and imagine her shaking my head while she's saying that with her beautiful, fierce face all up in my grill. When I imagine that, I remember that I am doing this to leave a legacy and that it is going to have it's up's and down's but I need to power through them. AND that I am not doing this for money as my end goal.

Back to my Oscar nominated break down...as I said, I finally cracked because the pressure was too great for me to handle and the worst part about it all? I put myself under that pressure. Why do I put that pressure? Well...maybe it's because I have five million ideas in my head and get side tracked, maybe it is because I want to be the best at everything I do but I spread myself far too thin, maybe it's because I beat myself up to the point where I have personally lowered my own confidence and self esteem, maybe it's because I don't even know if this blog will actually accomplish what I see in my head that it can, maybe it's because sometimes it takes money to make money and I don't always have money after deciding to be my own boss or maybe it's because I haven't mentally become a BAWSE.

I feel that a lot of people experience this "what the fuck" battle with themselves when they reach the real point of completely pursuing their dreams and leaving the survival life behind them.

That is where I stand and after a couple days of being handed Oscars left and right - I slapped myself in the face, made myself get a grip and decided to share this with you.

Remember why you are pursuing what you love, have confidence, stick through the bullshit, be your own human, be a nice human, do not be so hard on yourself or you will screw up more {trust me} and don't give up no matter what - YOU GOT THIS.

I'm not here to be a fashionista, popular blogger - I am here to inspire people. I want somebody to say, "Because of you, I didn't give up." That is what I am here to do, what are you here to do? Tell me, rmetz28@gmail.com

Happy Monday everyone xx