myMindisFull Monday: the Excuse{s}

As you can tell, I changed "what's on my mind Monday's" to "myMindisFull Monday's"...not that that is earth shattering to anyone but I thought I was clever and since I rarely have a zinger I automatically needed to tell whoever is reading - run on sentence much?

Ok, Monday's are my break days to show you I'm not a blogger who just focuses on DIY's, cupcakes, cake pops, staged Instagram moments, and the empire I'm trying to build. There is somewhat a solid human being behind this blogspot.com my friends...my reader...my followers...anyone?

My Mind is Full Monday's - November 4th, 2013
I make excuses, not as many as I use to but I still make them.

Remember the anxiety attacks I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Well one kicked my ass on Thursday morning at 4 AM while I went out for a drive because I was on the verge of a breakdown it's totally normal.

...want to know why I couldn't sleep?

BECAUSE I MAKE EXCUSES.

I make them for EVERYTHING - to justify my feelings so they just go away, to find a way to push something to the next day's todo list, to push another event that happened in my life that I didn't like under the rug, to excuse the pile under the rug while I beat it with a broom, to excuse anything that makes me feel awkward or uncomfortable,  and the famous "I have no time to work out" excuse.

You name it, I've excused it.

I've come to realize that while excusing whatever your heart desires works for a long time - it will crash and burn on a moment's notice. That's what happened to me.

For the past 23 years of my existence, I've had this, what I like to call, "life area rug" where I sweep everything that makes me nervous, uncomfortable, sad and awkward underneath it. I pat the thing down as much as I can and make sure it's as clean as possible on the surface. People trip on this rug quite often but they don't ask questions, they don't confront why they tripped, they don't even inquire about why they've been swept under it, they don't think it's weird and when they notice that I have this mechanism - they borderline compliment me. "You're so stubborn, you're tough, you're a bitch, you have no emotion."

I used to take those as compliments because I was SO comfortable with my area rug, I didn't care who said what about me or if I was seen as a cold hearted broad. I liked my rug and I didn't want a new one so I stayed this negative human because all I did was make excuses for anything that went under my rug while I sat on top of it and made my cupcakes and cake pops.

Well, that "life area rug" on Thursday at 4 AM was pulled out from underneath me and let me tell you it was not pretty in any way, shape or form. I couldn't figure out why I was in such a foul mood a couple days prior, I didn't know what was stressing me out or exactly what emotion was coursing through my blood. Since I had no idea, that frustrated even more - EVERYTHING after that bothered me. My mixer when I was baking was too loud, the oven wasn't clean enough, the powder sugar was my arch nemesis - I am telling you I HATED EVERYTHING. And what the hell do I have to hate? Nothing! My life is my dream, my boyfriend is by far the most perfect man on this universe, my family is as healthy and happy as I always pray for, my passion is turning into my career, I had my first huge cake pop order and I got to wear sweats and tee shirts while pursuing my dreams. I finally had a 4:32 AM epiphany while passing the First Street exit on my way back home. I am having this completely normal panic attack because all my excuses have boiled over and I'm going to actually have to deal with it - I have to confront, relax and release them.

Let me let you in on my thought process real quick, it went a little something like this: holy shit, my rug can't have anymore swept under it? That's a joke, right? I've been sweeping, cupping the dust and shoving it under for so long that now, NOW the dust is exploding back out and instead of continuing to push it under and find knooks and crannies to fill?...I have to sweep it up and put it in the trash. But wait, people can see what I put in the trash? What will they think? I normally have it all together? I got this, right?

No, no I do not.

I came and accepted the conclusion that this "life area rug" has been my biggest burden throughout the years. It's a quick, non-permnanent fix to a problem that won't go away unless YOU DEAL WITH IT. I've been so caught up with keeping everything together no matter how bad it really was on the inside so people didn't see me as weak or incapable of the life that been given to me. I held everything in when all I really needed was someone to listen or hug me. And the craziest part about that? It is that every human in my life that is dear to me always asked me if I needed that, if I needed to talk or inquired about something that was obviously bothering me, asked if I needed a hug or what was wrong...my response, "no no I'm fine, I'll figure it out, no worries" with a forced smile. I was so stubborn and comfortable with my life area rug that I excused everyone's inquires and took the burden on myself.

Wellllllll, I'm proud to say that after this mess of a Thursday morning and the epiphany kicking my ass - I rolled up my rug, burned it, swept every single dust molecule into a huge pile and slowly but surely am putting it in the trash. I am dealing with what I have swept underneath and what currently comes my way instead of putting that uncomfortable awkwardness somewhere that's temporarily out of sight.

I don't want you reading this thinking I'm sharing for sympathy, for an email saying that everything is going to be okay or that "it gets better"...I'm sharing this because I know someone out there has had their rug ripped right out from under them or that you personally still sweep whatever you can fit underneath it or maybe you have these emotions and you can't quite figure out so maybe this will help. I'm sharing this to tell you that it's a truly phenomenal feeling when you decide to roll up that rug, throw it away and sweep up the dust yourself.

Bottom line - relax, deal with it and release it...it sucks but it's worth it and it keeps things much cleaner.

Love,
Rachel Metz