Over the past couple months, I've played multiple roles that I never thought I would at 24...not bad roles but just ones I didn't think I'd take on until later in life. In the many moments of the hectic-ness, I felt lost, overwhelmed, scared, irritated, happy, sad, disturbed, content then frustrated. My moodiness was all over the place but the worst emotion that went through me and I've never processed before was feeling melancholy.
I would wake up and not care what happened throughout the day, check out from emails or responsibility when it wasn't really an option, not work as hard, make excuses to not work, put my dreams to the side, stress about the rug being crooked in the bathroom or the house being too hot then hide in the bed under a sea of covers and pillows.
I never have not cared and in that moment, that terrified me. I'm Rachel, I always care...I care too much, I care too hard, I care for things that aren't my place to really care about and care for things that I shouldn't even care about! But now when I write this, it was a break that I needed - melancholy saved my sanity (weird I know). It made me realize that no matter what insanity is going on or how much I've buried myself under or how busy work is or how work isn't going my way or how my dreams aren't progressing as I'd like, sometimes you just have to relax. Don't take things on that you don't need to and let life happen, don't take other people's responsibilities or actions on as your own and try to correct them. I would stress out so hard because of how I saw life and other people's lives, actions and experiences and try to mold them into what I believed would solve everything.
What the heck is that?
I soul searched a lot recently and have shifted my energy into an adult mentality of relationships, career, passion, ideas, life, dreams and visions that have genuinely scared me to the bone. It's weird growing up then realize your growing up...for example, Tickle Me Sweet is my first business for baking but now I don't know if that's what I want to do the rest of my life. I have minimized contact with some old friends because I'm not at that stage in my life to invest so much into relationships where nothing is returned or emotionally gained for both sides. I have focused on health and have stopped making excuses of why I have no time to take care of myself when I should put myself number one.
So what just happened?
I stopped caring for a moment and it propelled me into this maturity reality slap of how I needed to reassess where I was on my list. I've never put myself number one because I stacked other minuscule cares, worries and concerns on top of that to not really face what I needed to. So what just had happened was I moved myself up to the top spot, started to focus on things that I've been too scared to really admit to myself and am actually going to correct in my life.
Adulthood trips me out sometimes.
Adulthood can be scary, you're not the only who feels that way. I'm 29, and have a career, family, and all the things that go along with being an "adult". But when I look into the mirror, I still feel like I'm 14, and it freaks me out, like I'm the only one who doesn't have it together. But that's the thing, no one has it all together, we just do the best we can each day. Don't stress out if you feel overwhelmed, because the truth is everyone else is, too, but we all do our best to hide it from each other.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I don't read your blog more often, but I'm glad I remember to ever so often! I feel ya girl! Thanks for sharing makes me feel better on my own journey, and you're only 24??! Wise beyond your years, you'll def figure it out sooner than most, so don't worry too much about it ;)
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