July 14, 2014

What just happened?

Life got crazy.

Over the past couple months, I've played multiple roles that I never thought I would at 24...not bad roles but just ones I didn't think I'd take on until later in life. In the many moments of the hectic-ness, I felt lost, overwhelmed, scared, irritated, happy, sad, disturbed, content then frustrated. My moodiness was all over the place but the worst emotion that went through me and I've never processed before was feeling melancholy.

I would wake up and not care what happened throughout the day, check out from emails or responsibility when it wasn't really an option, not work as hard, make excuses to not work, put my dreams to the side, stress about the rug being crooked in the bathroom or the house being too hot then hide in the bed under a sea of covers and pillows.

I never have not cared and in that moment, that terrified me. I'm Rachel, I always care...I care too much, I care too hard, I care for things that aren't my place to really care about and care for things that I shouldn't even care about! But now when I write this, it was a break that I needed - melancholy saved my sanity (weird I know). It made me realize that no matter what insanity is going on or how much I've buried myself under or how busy work is or how work isn't going my way or how my dreams aren't progressing as I'd like, sometimes you just have to relax. Don't take things on that you don't need to and let life happen, don't take other people's responsibilities or actions on as your own and try to correct them. I would stress out so hard because of how I saw life and other people's lives, actions and experiences and try to mold them into what I believed would solve everything.

What the heck is that?

I soul searched a lot recently and have shifted my energy into an adult mentality of relationships, career, passion, ideas, life, dreams and visions that have genuinely scared me to the bone. It's weird growing up then realize your growing up...for example, Tickle Me Sweet is my first business for baking but now I don't know if that's what I want to do the rest of my life. I have minimized contact with some old friends because I'm not at that stage in my life to invest so much into relationships where nothing is returned or emotionally gained for both sides. I have focused on health and have stopped making excuses of why I have no time to take care of myself when I should put myself number one.

So what just happened?

I stopped caring for a moment and it propelled me into this maturity reality slap of how I needed to reassess where I was on my list. I've never put myself number one because I stacked other minuscule cares, worries and concerns on top of that to not really face what I needed to. So what just had happened was I moved myself up to the top spot, started to focus on things that I've been too scared to really admit to myself and am actually going to correct in my life.

Adulthood trips me out sometimes.

June 5, 2014

June 4, 2014


Most of the time I look at my blog and am disappointed with myself. It was something I started with the intention of being like every other blogger I looked up to - crazy, right? That eventually changed and this became my little honest nook to share with the world but that has been lost recently since I've been full of self doubt. I have come to realize that I can't keep comparing myself to other blogger's popularity, the comments on their posts and social activity they have on Instagram. I need to just find myself and be me, so here's a start.

It's been almost a year since I decided to quit my survival mode. 

One full year. 

Shouldn't a lot happen in a year? Shouldn't I look back and be in awe of everything the has developed or come out of it? Shouldn't I have something to show for it? I thought I would be consistent with my dreams, relentless with my new ways but fear is all that's shown it's face in this last year. 

Fear to pursue what I know I can, fear to put myself first for once in my life, fear to not be caught up in someone else's drama to realize that life is good, fear to accept that life is good, fear to chase and get to my first big goal I've set for myself, fear to actually be close to attaining that, fear to fall all the way in love, fear to be positive about myself, fear to accept that someone actually wants me as their partner in life...

I'm fearful and am trying to come to terms with how much this last year has shown my hesitation with letting the good happen in my life. 

I always hid behind facing the truth by being a follower and not a leader. With this one year mark, I've realized what a waste that had been and it pushed me back into my shell while I readjust to being a leader for once in my life...I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for it. Not quite sure if I'm ready to peak my head out, see, accept and embrace what's going to be out of my shell and take the lead for once. Find myself, find my path and dominate it.

I'm scared, so scared...but hey, the first step is admitting right?

May 19, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: The Funk

My Mind is Full Monday's - May 19th, 2014
..."I don't know, I'm just in a funk."

Famous words used by us all at times that we can't describe what the hell is gong through our minds, our bodies and our lives. That's how I am feeling lately with a lot of things but something I've really been practicing is...

focus on the good and focus on the now.

When starting a company,  it's so easy to get wrapped up in someone else's middle and sit back in discouragement. "How the hell do I get there, why am I not there..." but you can't compare your beginning to someone else's middle.

I've also learned it goes the same for your personal life...

"Why don't I have this or that, how come they are so popular, what am I doing wrong, why am I not more social or personable, when do I get that success?" You can jam so much in your head that makes your trip up when you haven't even pushed yourself to start. From starting a company, finding a new hobby, a new career or starting to work on yourself to become a better human...you cannot compare your beginning to someone else's middle.

Keep grinding your hardest with tunnel vision on whatever goal it may be. I still get tripped up but when I trip, I laugh and take it as a lesson to be learned and spin it into something positive.

I may not be the most personable human.
I may be an inverted awkward broad in social settings.
I may be starting a company that's not where I want it to be right now.
I may look at Beyonce's calmness in the elevator and say damn, that's how it's done.
I may look at myself in the mirror and see impatience pouring out of my skin but I have learned...

focus on the good and focus on the now. 

Don't kill yourself over what you see as small progression or the time it takes to reach a goal, know that you are one of the few that are actually following a goal you have set for yourself and are pushing your comfort zone to the side.

So that "funk" that we got isn't really a funk at all, it's you pushing and growing into the human, career, goal achiever you never knew you would actually pursue and be. You got this, we got this - let's do it.

April 28, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: Adult Growing Pains

My Mind is Full Monday's - April 28th, 2013
Starting a business makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten learning how to write but I don't even have teacher over my shoulder helping me or grading my work.

As most of you may or may not know, I am a baker and dessert table designer who is planning on being the Beyonce of that area but right now I'm feeling like a Michelle (sorry Michelle #youreasurvivor). There is so much to learn and so many different articles to read about starting a home-based baking business - it's all super overwhelming. 

I feel like throwing in the towel most to times which leads to me continuously justifying my procrastination. Why do I procrastinate? Because I'm scared.

You know all the things you talk about doing but make yourself busy with survival mode so you don't actually do them? That's what I did consistently but for a while now that excuse has been one that I'm not allowed to use (entered embarrassed emoji here)...I took the leap of quitting my full time job and dedicating myself to Tickle Me Sweet but I'm scared shitless. I'm scared to succeed, terrified to fail, always wondering what possible customers are thinking about my business,  consistently thinking about why I'm not getting as much work as I thought I was going to, worried about how my creativity will come off (been there done that to people), doubting my talent, feeding my fears and stressing out about getting all the proper licenses, permits and certifications.

I realized that being scared is just adult growing pains that will eventually fade but suck at the moment you have them. I'm sore mentally by stretching my motivation, drive, determination, goals, dreams and following my passion. I also realized by consistently thinking of all the negatives and why my business isn't working - I'm attracting all the not's, won't's and blahs to myself and my passion.

I have to endure the growing pains and know that they are only temporary if I force through them. The more I hold back, the more they will linger because if you are stunting your own growth...who else is to blame?

April 14, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: Looking Back

My Mind is Full Monday's - April 14th, 2014
LA chewed me up, spit me out and threw up on me last year after I quit my job.  LA is for a lot of people but not me...it was fun for the nine months I lived there but let me tell you, that was all I needed.

I started working at a fabulous company with all the best looking humans I've ever come across. I worked from the early AM and stayed later than I needed to then after, would do the LA scene until I had work the next morning (most the time I would come in with a bun and no make up on top of being late when I live thirty seconds from the office).

I was your typical hot mess of a twenty one year old broad coming into LA thinking I was the shit.

Wrong, gosh so so so wrong.

Everything I thought I knew went out the window in a matter of seconds. What I thought was going out was amateur hour and so was drinking, the friends I thought were cool I couldn't talk to anymore because I was so wrapped up in being a follower rather than a leader to the new group I was introduced to.

One thing that stayed with me was my work ethic - I worked my ass off and never missed a beat. No matter what the circumstances were I always went above and beyond making sure everything was set to go and every detail was taken care of.

But when I wasn't working, I was a hot mess. I was being young, dumb and learning life as it unfolded and when I look back, I never saw it as that in the moment. I beat myself up consistently for being how I was or looking back at what I did the week prior - I regretted it all.

I had a million and one, "what was I thinking, I was that human, what the hell?" moments after I quit my job and moved back in with my aunt. My life was slow motion compared to the fast paced LA scene and I wasn't sure how to adjust.

...until now...I look back at all my memories, hang overs, bruises, scratches and red lipstick on my walls and think how lucky I was to get the "crazy years" out in nine months. I see people that I used to hang with and they are in the same old rut, doing the same old party scene and not pursuing much outside of that and that's just not me.

I have a bigger dream and while it may not be the picture perfect white picket fence in LA with all the celebrities, paparazzi and fame...I still have a dream that I am so stoked on.

LA didn't teach me much but to grow up and get out. It also taught me that some people are completely content with the life they have of partying and working a full time job just for the weekend but what LA also taught me was that I wasn't that way, I wanted a more subtle dream and that my dream was fine and I didn't need to follow a crowd...I could stand on my own and that was okay.

Remember: NO MATTER what your dream is, don't downplay it and act like you don't have time for it   or not try to attain because it isn't the "cool thing" to do...I'm telling you once you decide to pursue it, it will be the most freeing feeling.

I didn't know who I was until I attempted what I've always dreamt and talked about, happy Monday.

April 7, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: The Bump

My Mind is Full Monday's - April 7th, 2014
As I sat on my bed, staring at my rug that had a bump in it because I was too lazy to go out and buy the rug slip to prevent that from happening; I realized I had brushed the "going out" for something for a couple months now.

I feel like for the last couples months I've let a ton slip up (like my rug) because I was too lazy to go out and fix it. I was so comfortable not blogging, being wrapped up in someone else's problem, making excuses for my work focus being at a low, ignoring my family and not reaching out to my friends that when I woke up and had a huge "oh shit" moment...it was almost too late to fix it.

....you know  the "oh shit" what have I been doing moment? You can have them at any time - some people have them five years into a shitty relationship, some have it when they realize their workout outfit is terrible or that they've had something in their teeth during their whole date - you can have them whenever, where ever...they are relentless.

I had mine when I woke up and turned over to the man I love who lifts me higher than anyone ever has and started to tear up. I had been SO moody lately that when I saw him sleeping it made me realize that that probably was the only time he was at peace being next to me because my emotions weren't eating his face. I had a lot of internal things I wasn't dealing with so they dealt with me and still handed me a pile of dung at the end that I had to sort through anyways. I had to take a moment and reread the post I wrote a while ago about shoving things under your life area rug.

I swear, breaking a habit is annoying as hell.

After having my moment and no one was in the house, I physically got down on the floor of my bedroom and pulled back my rug that's had a bump in it for quite sometime and just laid there. You read it right - I just laid down and stared at the ceiling. I let whatever was under my life area rug come up in my soul and I let it go by breath (which was hard because I wanted to punch and kick some of the stuff that was under there).

After laying there for a while, I felt a new kind of freedom when I smoothed my rug back down. I felt like I was smoothing my life area rug too (again), I felt like I accomplished something more than lifting up and putting down a real rug. The bump was gone on my floor and so it was in my emotions.

When all the bumps were smoothed out, I had to go out and get the slip for things that I've let slip up so that it didn't happen again. I reached out to my friends, kept pushing myself back into a positive mentality and stopped the pity party I was throwing myself, I texted my sister and messaged my grandma, played longer with the mini human I love and stared longer at the man who makes me feel whole. I started practicing giving myself more credit for things that I downplay and put a halt to the nonsense I was feeding myself. I really kicked my inner roommate out and smiled.

The bump is gone now it's breaking the habit of seeing the bump and smoothing it out when it comes up again that I need to practice. I'm not perfect but I'm trying to practice what I preach.

Happy Monday, hope you enjoyed this one.


April 4, 2014

iDream of: Baby Shower Goodness

A LOT of mini human's are about to enter my life and one of them my good friend Amy is bringing into this world! Little does the mini human - her mom is a Tiffany Co. fein, soccer playing, Nike loving tomboy with fabulous hair and high end taste for purses and interior design.  So as I am dreaming of a baby shower for a tomboy, I wanted to share five things I believe every baby shower should have...

 1. Ladies, it's worth it to hire a great photographer for you baby shower - capture the moments with your best broads! Which brings me to a number one must have - photo backdrop for fun memories. 
2. Florals and details: with these frames by Bragging Bags you can slip in directions to a game or trivia questions for the mama to be! Perfect pop of your mommy of honors choice to add to the tables. 
3. A dessert table, duh.
4. Favors for your guests: I've fallen in love with filling baby bottles with goodies of your choice. You can purchase these on Etsy by Celebration Supply.  Aren't they perfect? 
5. Great gifts: one of my favorite baby gifts I've come across by  3PrincessesStore.

Is it bad I was listening to this while writing this post? Oops.

March 31, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: No More Bull...

My Mind is Full Monday's - March 31st, 2014
I realized I've only been posting these Monday posts but that changes this week - I promise.

I feel like right when things are finally grooving when following my dream, some kind of test always pops up (hey, that's life right?). Whether it be doubt consuming me again, getting a part time job to pay some bills even when I've preached not to do it, taking care of the people I love and pushing my dream to the side since that's priority, my gun-ho dwindling then realizing I'm slipping and getting sad about it...it can be a plethora of things at any given time obviously. BUT the given time seems to be when I'm feeling super stoked about how pursuing my passion is going.

Lately, I've been a royal baby and making excuses for the things that I've let lack in my life from family time to focusing on baking - I've excused it all. Sorry to be blunt but it's time for...

No more bullshit.

I'm tired. I'm pass the point of exhaustion but I've let that take over my life, love, happiness, energy, focus, drive, motivation and surpass my limits on all fronts of my life. I hate the person who I've become lately and I'm ready to kick them out of my life.

I'm ready to ask my mental roommate to get the hell out and that's why I wanted to write. We all have that inner roommate that feeds into EVERY SINGLE ONE of our insecurities, fears and doubts - that is why we talk ourselves in and out of things all the time (or justify things that happen in our lives or sulk in things that do or don't happen).

You read that write - we have to talk ourselves in and out of decisions, we weigh our options and ask our own selves what the hell to do then have a mental argument about it then decide which side wins.

I'm exhausted by my inner roommate, are you? Let's kick them out together, let's not give them 30 days notice and just evict their asses.

No more bulls$%@ people, let's get ourselves back. 
I'm ready.

March 17, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: Snuggle Tighter

My Mind is Full Monday's - March 17th, 2014
I didn't realize when I was child why I loved cuddling so much, why I always wanted my back tickled or why I wanted to have my door cracked at night before bed. I didn't realize that I wanted a connection with whoever was in the house, that security of waking up and seeing my door cracked knowing I could run out and jump in bed with my dad or brother at any time.

I didn't realize why I needed that, why I still need that...until now.

I realized that my getting the back tickled security was replaced as I got older by me working three jobs at all times. I was too old to request a back tickle or to cuddle up with my siblings, that didn't fly anymore. Working became my security, survival mode became my security.

Isn't that crazy? You have these things you love and cherish when you are young then you adapt, mold and grow when you age and then working becomes your security YET it's a catch 22 some days when you hate your job and then we are left to figure out how to fix that. Geesh, thanks life.


As I am still new to pursuing my dream and being my own boss, my security has had to come from something different since I put that working/survival mode aside completely. Can I be honest? I still don't feel secure, I randomly cry when I don't have a reason and I get a pit in my stomach out of no where and up until now, I had no idea why that was happening. I figured out it is because that my "working/survival mode" security is gone and it's hard to not go back to that. I want to run back to three jobs sometimes and barely pay my bills while working forty hours a week, isn't that insane? I thought since that security was gone, I had nothing.


Then I realized that I do have a security it's just reverted after deciding to pursue my passion - I'm five years old just in a twenty three year olds body with this new journey - my tickle my back security is alive and well again. I am always asking my boyfriend to tickle my back every night, to snuggle me a little tighter and catch myself waking up to move in closer to him like I used to when I was five with my parents. I didn't want the love to stop, I didn't want my security blanket to fall off me, I didn't want to not feel a connection with a human who has such a large impact in my life (a mentor if you will).

I went from tickle my back as a mini human security, to money money on my mind security back to the most important security again - that I know now as affection.

My security will always be snuggling a little tighter - whether that be taking a nap with my favorite mini humans, hugging my grandpa with all my might, staring at my dad like the world's stopped as he laughs at the dinner table or asking my man to tickle my back all night.

I didn't write this to be mushy but just to simply say - snuggle everything in your life a little tighter, be a nice human and do good to the world. Find your voice and do what you love even if you feel lost because I promise you that you will succeed if you are persistent and know what your security is - no matter how simple or extravagant it may be.

I've felt lost for a long time but have found my path finally and am accepting that I need affection on the way down it to help me stay focused, know what you need and don't reject it - embrace it with open arms and a tight snuggle.

Happy Monday, go snuggle someone you love.

March 3, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: Take it Easy

My Mind is Full Monday's - March 3rd, 2014
As I sit here with my morning coffee while I paint my toes, I look out to what I get to call my backyard after the rain has cleared and took a deep breath - I am blessed. We are all blessed...but we are all completely (for the most part) stress cases at one point or another in our lives.

Take it easy. 

That's something I've had to learn and work hard at because it is easier said than done. You can waste negative energy on something that will come and go so much more easily than on being positive on what you have or what you are grateful for. Isn't that strange?

I feel as human beings we have been wired to compare ourselves, battle with our insecurities and down play our triumphs. We have a catch 22 when it comes to being happy - we are happy then realize we are happy so we must find something to bring us back down if even for a moment...or you are happy then you find something to stress out about and you're back to this negative realm that is your comfort zone. Now this could be just me but I've seen it too many times with so many others to think I'm alone on this one.

Another thing I've noticed is how people get so stressed about what they cannot control whether it be the weather, something someone posted, something someone said, if it's windy, how someone else's life is, how good they have it, how fake they may be or whatever judgement you may pass. You stress out about what is not in your control, isn't that strange too?

Take it easy. 

Remember that you can only control you (I said it last week), do not stress on what is out of your control, ask yourself if you have a problem at this very instant, be present, dream big and kick ass.

Happy Monday you guys, talk to you Wednesday!

February 25, 2014

myMindisFull Monday's: Taking ALL the Blame

I wrote this yesterday but was pretty intimidated to put this part of me out there for all you to see, this is a different side I'm sharing with you.

My Mind is Full Monday's - February 24th, 2014
I have pursued another dream I have of becoming a youth speaker and am speaking at New Discoveries for Youth this Wednesday to at-risk teenagers about my experiences with hardships at such a young age and how to overcome them.

Which led me to this...

A lot of you say I'm "so honest and open" but most of you don't know that I had a pretty rough upbringing and if it wasn't for my dad and my step mom...I don't know where I would be.

So I'm here to open up a chapter to you guys, it will be short and sweet - promise.

Chapter 1: Taking ALL the Blame

Only a few close friends know the details of my childhood but long story short, my biological mother is no longer in my life because of her alcoholism. She chose addiction over her relationship with her first born - me.

For a long time, I took the blame for how my mother was. I was her parent and had to grow up so quickly to be able to handle any chaos she decided to bring into my life. I put a lot of pressure on myself from eight to thirteen years old until I moved in with my dad and my step family. When I moved in with my dad and step family, the first thing that was told to me was that "we don't do drama or lying" and that's what my whole life was. So there I was, thirteen, confused, sad but liberated to not be a punching bag for my mother anymore.

I still put all the blame on myself around that time for how she was and the fact that she was even worse when I left her until one day my dad filled me in on the truth. I won't ramble too much but I was basically brainwashed to thinking my dad and step family were the most evil beings on the planet when the court papers spoke the complete opposite. My world was flipped. It helped me have an epiphany that I can't change my mom but I can give her an ultimatum. So I said, "get help or we don't speak" and I haven't spoken to her since. Maybe once or twice to see how she is but never to be fully involved in her life.

As the years went on, I took that and turned it into something positive. I started to not take everything personal, stopped playing victim, I deleted the word step from my vocabulary and stopped referring to anyone as "step" in my family. I am okay with how things are with my biological mom and even more grateful for how my life is with my family. You can't waste your time thinking about helping someone who doesn't want to be helped, you can't control that person's thoughts, actions, words or life...and you can't blame yourself for how they are.

There you have it...the first chapter - you can only control your mind and how you decide to spend your life. Happy Monday Tuesday guys, remember to know you can only control you...not the weather, not what day it is, not other people's actions or why they do them.